done

finished qcs. applied to universities. done the 'hardest term', and now all the assessment is being sent away. donedonedonedonedone
and its feels so fucking good
ive been on holidays for like a week and ive already had so many amazing times.
thanks to new friends and my boyfriend i realised cairns is fucking beautiful, so ive been out in nature enjoying the weather and getting ma tan on weoooo
i feel so secure right now, but now im becoming reliant on going out and avoiding anything else
sigh
but whatever. im enjoying these holidays, cos its the last one before we graduate (i dont count term 4 holidays, cos like claire said 'we have nothing to go back to').
tomorrow i plan to spend the day by a river in the sun, preferably getting cuddles from vanilla man
so thats its for now

wine and cheese/goon and coon

in the morning
i love these pics =)

D=

i'm listening to 'my love is stronger than your love' by red riders. that song makes me contemplative like a crazy fox, cos foxes are contemplative.
it makes me feel sad and heartbroken, even though im pretty much the polar opposite
im actually really happy and deeply smitten =) (seeing as this is my public diary, i feel i should just say things that are corny)
its been almost 2 months, but it feels like it just happened last weekend.
argh its so weird how quickly time is flying. theres like 1.5 weeks til my music exams are over, 2 weeks til QCS, 3 weeks til block, and then 2 weeks after that, its holidays again
then its my last term of school ever
AHHhhhh
then im out in the real world
fuckpoo

the holidays

these have probably been the first holidays which i've really taken advantage of (yep, i took advantage of holidays when it was sleeping)
it's been delightful of strengthening some friendships, or getting to know these amazing people who have been right under my nose
i have a lovely new manfriend in my life and i think he is 'proper multijet printer' (he speaks his own language and i like it ;D)
i'm at ease
and
now its over!
things are gonna change at school, i suspect. ahh change. inevitable and necessary.
sigh. everything comes to an end, but these past two weeks have been a steady stream of pure bliss (yay i achieved the plateau of happiness i mentioned in a previous blog... i think).
hope you enjoyed these holidays too =D

pleased is an understatement

we sat under the stars,
we talked, we laughed, we cuddled, we kissed
and life was good for five hours

now angry/sad blog

i fucking hate the bullshit that some people have to go through. its completely fucked up. i hate people who have to deal with abuse of any kind. i hate seeing them cry. i hate wondering if the smile is real. i hate being happy when theyre not. i hate the fact i cant do anything. i hate feeling like i can never make a difference. i hate the fact its still happening. i hate knowing that women, men, children, innocent people around the world are being tortured, raped, oppressed, teased, kicked out, lonely. i hate that there is no simple solution. i hate the fact there is no possible way to make anyone forget, to heal their wounds. i hate that its fellow humans doing it. i hate that people can even think of commiting all these fucked up acts. and i really hate that i know amazing people who deal with it everyday, just because there's nothing anyone else can do
this goes out to everyone suffering

=)

it's not as if life is amazing or anything
that was sarcasm
used in the best possible way

and only very minor feelings of patheticness were felt =)

muahahah

mr x IM-ed me about sweet music and i didnt care =)
you see, a month ago i would have been swooning all over the joint, but now, its just laughable (my behaviour that is)

But remember that blog i had about my "addiction"? I'm pretty sure i'm sober =D. but i'm also pretty sure i weened off the old addiction onto something so much better, healthier, more hilarious by far (which is most likely going to evoke many more feelings of pathetic-ness, but i'll deal with that later =D)

Also, I had a somewhat welcome trip down memory lane, and I was very shocked, flattered, frustrated and amused to learn of an old secret. It makes me laugh (i'm laughing right now), but i'm thinking "WHY THE FUCK DID I NOT DO ANYTHING". Another lady friend is involved in this, and i cant leave her out, cos we're both pretty proud of it ahaha. She's thinking the same thing =D

Anyways, my day, actually, my mind, was very male-orientated, i must say
jolly good!

and WHY aren't these people roaming the streets in real life?

i win!

muahah... fuck yeah for cold turkey!
no matter what true_libertine says, dreamy eyes are no longer my vice ;D
i said this in a blog cos whenever i load pages on here i gotta refresh like 1 billion times.
anyways. im feeling good about everything. weekends are good, marks are good, weather is fabulous. what more can i ask for?
but i do still have some troubles with maths. which i'll just turn into a very crappy metaphor for life. like every other equation we have to puzzle out, levels of happiness always seem to have maximums and minimums. so this is my maximum. and i'm waiting for the downturn to happen soon
lolol yay thats not cynical at all
oh well. im enjoying this for as long as i can =)
hopefully the equation somehow turns into a plateau of happiness yayayaya

but damn the laws of maths/life
it probs wont -_-

cold turkey

IT IS WORKING, IT WILL CONTINUE TO WORK, AND IT WILL BE AWESOME
i feel liberated from being pathetic =D

swoony shorts

okay. i did an angry blog, now i'll do a love-induced blog
(need to get this months blogs up to scratch. only one blog last month! gosh. must have been a little too carefree, with all my happiness)
anyways, i've told all my friends i'm going cold turkey off the person i thought was so amazing. theyre pretty disappointed heh
his unresponsiveness is brutally erasing all the pretty images in my minds eye
and it's quite sad. i'm giving up on love. well this particular love anyway.
while i feel fine and dandy now (which means i'm just unattached from my passionate little heart), i can tell, eventually, i'll have this weird sense of loss and regret. i mean, cold turkey can only go so far. its pretty much a last resort
there are other steps, but i'm pretty sure theyre not gonna work. and the one that MIGHT work is way too scary to try
1. weening myself off with another, less potent, addiction. eg. a slightly less attractive man
2. moving onto something stronger. eg. a slightly more attractive man
3. hypnosis, mind fuzz, leaving my earthy senses. eg. actual sense-altering substances
4. intervention. eg. convincing my friends i need help
5. confronting it head on. eg. telling him how i feel

so. im keen on the weening off onto other men. but i know that'll turn into another full blown addiction. so thats out of the question... sort of.
the mind fuzz sounds very tempting, but thats not gonna happen either, cos i literally have no means/money/place to try fuzzling up my brain.
i think, eventually, my friends will give up with me if i continue my cold turkey. and that will mean the intervention strategy WILL work. i think one by one theyre giving up. but i have a few stubborn supporters of my addiction
and. of course, the one that could lead either to a happy ending, closure, or deep depression, is the only one that seems most sensible. but obviously, i'm too much of a softcock to try it. funny that. the one with most promise, or at least the one with an actual answer is the only one i'm definately not willing to try.

it's easy to scream COLD TURKEY now, when i dont have his pretty eyes locking onto mine
but. jesus, when they do, i'm a lovehigh fool
and i hate it
he's more potent than meth
the highs are worth the lows
but i cant get enough
its a strong addiction, and i'm just gonna keep on relapsing

changes

written last night before mum shooed me off this machine

i felt the change in seasons a few nights ago. its great. you can feel the slight chill in the airrrrr. i really just wanna spend the night on a grassy field watching the sun come up, alone, in a group, with someone special, i dont really care. hmm i feel romantic tonight... or just lonely. arh. well i decided that he's so normal and nice, as opposed to crazy and emotional. hes still alluring ;D. but yeah i like that change. being nice is so underrated. everyone just wants some coooooooool interestinnngggg artt mofucker, which is pretty cool, but i almost forgot about just the nice guys. the normal guys. the ones who arent out to hurt you. moodiness and eerie humour may be very interesting and magnetic, but nice guys are just nice. they wont fuck you up like some insane poet would. maybe i should just like nice guys. =D


written tonight cos i'm awesome enough to not split the blogs up

aaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
i just deleted like a whole paragraph of agonising cos it was ultra pathetic =D
that represents my life as of now

this is why i (L) blogspot

it knows exactly what i'm thinking =)



and this guy is realllly attractive.


josh morgan, drummer of the subways



I gotta compose a piece of music to go with 'a chosen visual stimulus'. I'm excited. I planned to do like 'Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas' and have some psychedelic rock n roll when Raoul and Doctor Gonzo are like tripping out. then i was looking at that scene from Donnie Darko when Donnie and Gretchen are walking down the stairs holding hands. BUT I'M NOT SURE AS OF YET. But apparently our drummer told ur bassist to tell our guitarist who then told the synth player (myself) that we can jam on Monday. so i can get ideas then =). There are no pressing matters in the life of Georgia right now, but thats good. the longer things are normal and coasty, the longer i'll be content and pleased yay

*random giggling puncutated with yelps of pain*

thats exactly what is happening right now ^^. i went to a metal gig (yes i finally gave in) and out of all the recent metal gigs, i'm pretty sure this was the smallest. i sure know how to pick them. but it was fun.
i just wish more of my friendlings were there. ah wells. i had two good ones there yay.
but whatevers. i kinda dipped down from my disturbingly happy stage into insecurity again... for a little while. then i stopped caring about my insecurities, but that freaks me out even more. because i dont wanna stop caring, yet caring makes me sad and unhappy. i think it's worth it though. it's 'exquisite pain' as Carrie from (don't kill me) Sex and The City would say. I just wanna TAKE the plunge, but every time it comes close, something like the fucking holidays just makes us drift again. i'm using the same analogy that i used on my friends; it's like Sims. you build up something. and then if you dont invite them over or call them for a while, your friendship just sinks and sinks and sinks til you're strangers again. and its so goddamn annoying. hes so goddamn inaccessible. sometimes little things happen that just scream 'there's something here' and then other times something else can happen and i just feel like i'm a psychotic bitch who just made it all up in her head. whatevers. how can i be cut out for wounded guys when i'm not completely sure how to cure myself?

up-your-date

i have no dramatic stories or interesting revelations. and you know what that means... i'm happy! isn't it strange that when youre just normal and content, you have nothing interesting to analyse, obsess or talk (aka whinge) about? but yeah. i'm feelinnn goooood *cuddles stranger* and, also, a little bit accomplished ;D. i was feeling quite bored of the metal scene in cairns, and so was one of my friends. and one thing led to another and his msn name (something to do with starting a 'shoegazing/post-punk/electro/12 other different genres' band) resorted in a line-up for our own little band. which, i may have forgotten to metion, I'M INN. WOOOOOooo ROOCKKKK HARDD... or should i say 'indiesynthpoppunkrock' hard. so yeah. i'm freakin excited. i'm very much willing to bring sexy riffs into local music, and put an end to double-kicks and unintelligible lyrics. or whatever you kids listen to nowadays. lolol noo, i dont wanna put an end to metal. dont get me wrong, i appreciate the metal! but there is no place for me in metal, and i still wanna be in a band. so. by association ((c) jesse), i should be in a NON METAL BAND!
i'm with some talented young men (yeah note the ratio of women to men in bands! although, thank golly god, that's changing). hopefully our psuedo jam session gels like jam, and then i'll feel some piece of mind. i'll try not to get TOO carried away until i can decide whether it'll work. but i hope it does =)

so-called flaws

I feel literally dirty. As in, I need a shower. But I’m so goddamn slack I DON'T CARE. Anyways, hello blog. I'm keen on some more emotional question asking, if you'll be so kind to listen BUT NEVER ANSWER ME. Oh I know: 'find the answer in yourself', you hint sagely. Damn blogs and your new age bullshit. Okay *cuts tangent*

So I’m gonna go back a couple of weeks, back to the gypsy zorba circle night. We also discussed what type of guy we'd marry and the results were amusing, intricate, disturbingly truthful and possibly accurate. One friend, who’s a very sexy lady ;D, said "My husband shalt be addicted to sex!". Another friend, who’s into laughing and incense (from what I remember anyway), said "My husband shall be addicted to weed!". Yours truly, who into intensity and rock 'n' roll tragedies said "My husband will be addicted to heroin and suicide!". The final friend, who’s literally a drama queen (as in, she learns drama, acts in plays etc.) said, “My husband will be addicted to”- throwing us all off-guard- "Shakespeare!". She brought us back to earth. As we got caught up in our crazy conversation, we skimmed over the fact that that behaviour is seriously unacceptable. But is it so wrong to be attracted to ‘unacceptable behaviour’, to relish what society would call 'flaws'? I guess we were kidding and exaggerating, but the scary thing was, is that we could all see ourselves, and each other in a potentially chemical romance (Yes, pun intended. Well for my little rock-husband tale anyway).

Maybe we're just into the type of guy that WOULD be said sex/ganja/valium/drama addict. For example, the sex addict man would be... well, sexy, confident, hunky, spontaneous; the grass-lover would be chill, calm, giggly, overbrimming with content-NESS and always keen for a great time; the suicidal man would be wounded, troubled, intense, passionate and deep; and the drama man would be confident, unique, demonstrative, expressive, and, gathering from the several drama kids I’ve met, sincerely interesting and amusing. Those summaries (whilst subconsciously generalised, I’m sure) really do sound like a good match for my friends.

So now I’ve got the question, blog. Is it okay, nay, normal to love the 'imperfections' as much as, or even more than the 'good characteristics' themselves?
What would one consider a 'good characteristic' anyway? While some women would be disturbed by intense, emotionally driven men, that shit is admired by me.

Yeah. See! I can't find the answer in myself, blog. Your peace-loving jargon didn’t work this time! I usually can puzzle it out by the end, after an hour of mulling over it, but I will get back to you later.

ex oh ex oh... gossip girl
muahaha sorry. I had to

ALMOST

so right now i'm on PUBLIC INTERNET. which obviously means i'm cool. but yes. I'm in town ALMOST bored, aside from the fact i'm on the net, have $70 (oh god dont get mugged) and have a whole bunch of movies to watch and men to perve on. evens though the fun has ALMOST gone out of that tooooo. *sighs happily like a naval ALMOST widow whos husband WASNT left to die at sea*
there's a lot of ALMOSTs in here, dont you think?
>could spool off into an ALMOST awesome feature article if i had more that 12 MINS LEFT*
but yeah. regrets seems to stem from something ALMOST happening, or ALMOST holding his hand, or ALMOST taking that left turn.
and i'm not spontaneous to see what would happen if i took the ALMOST-route
But as of late, ive been trying to CALM DOWN a little and TRYING to embrace the ALMOST. And I hope that eventually i can DEFINATELY get this man i like
fuck the almost. i want definately (L)

Feeling unnervingly good

I'M ALMOST EXAM FREE
ALTHOUGH I PROBABLY SHOULDNT CELEBRATE TIL TUESDAY (after music exam is done) BUT I DONT CARE
I've had a couple of great days, including a teacher saying something filthy, conversations with a pretty person, multiple hours of Sex and The City, chocolate, hair cutting, live gypsy/folk music and a zorba dance circle.
I love life!
But yes. I wish there was an embarassing-free way of getting with my white knight, but there isn't. So I'll just be pathetic and sit around waiting and swooning 'privately' (when i say privately, it just means i haven't told him to his face... yet) like any good 1900's woman would do, bar cooking and quilting because we 21st century women aren't wired that way. That was a long sentence.

Myself and 3 other girly friendies were discussing next year; our year as 'adults'. I realised, yet again, that I have a really good, easy (possibly too good and easy) way of life. I feel like such a spolit, bragging little brat. DISCLAIMER: I DON'T MEAN TO BE

But regardless, my want to just LEAVE and never look back is vanishing. My want to stay and still be a child, with no responsibilities, or things to worry about, is growing. I work in reverse, it seems. In past years, I had so many more ideas of what I wanted to be; a lot more structured and detailed than my plans are now. As time goes on, the less I know what to do with myself. It's annoyingly contrary.

One thing really struck me though. Everyone we're leaving behind (or growing up from) are still going to be here, growing, evolving, changing, and we won't be a part of that anymore. All our little friends in year 11, year 10, year 9 (no year 8 friends, of course) will grow up, without us anymore. They'll bond, and we won't be there to bond with them. I feel like I'm gonna miss out on so much, yet, in 9 months, the world will 'be my oyster'. I never really thought about what that meant though, until this year.

In year 8, there was no one younger than us, and there seemed to be no one older than a year 12-er. But now I'm here, I still feel like the baby; just a little less scrawny, a lot more unhealthy, and hopefully, better taste and judgement. The year 8-ers next year, after we've all gone, will never know I existed. While that doesn't really sound like much to fret over (being unknown to spotty little faceless children), it just really hits me that we've literally grown away from a whole new batch of people; people who will never look up to us, people we will never influence or meet.

I can feel the emptiness of saying goodbye right now. Because, when I'm gone, all my friends are going to change and forget about me, which, I realised very recently, really hurts. While I'm not usually known to want to be involved in everyones lives and be constantly assured I'm their friend, I don't want to be replaced, forgotten or dismissed as a vague, detached memory. I want people to think "Ah Georgia. I miss her. No one will ever make me forget about her." It just makes me sad. It's so very easy to drift, and all the people I care about will find someone new, someone more amazing, and I'll just be that highschool friend, the one you used to have 'silly little D&M's with'.

Now I'm savouring all the people I never want to forget. God. I'm so SELFISH. For the past year, just because I've wanted to leave, I've forgotten about my friends, who probably don't want me to forget them. Up until like RIGHT NOW (possibly because of my growing need to stay), I realise maybe they've been thinking this, too, for a year. But like I said. I work in reverse. *sigh* I hope this reverse shit isn't forever.
I hope I don't suffer the break-ups before the love
or the hangovers before the binge
DX





EDIT: CAN YOU SEE MY TITLE?! MERE MINUTES AGO I WAS FEELING FUCKING AMAZING AND NOW DISTURBING TRUTHS ARE POPPING INTO MY HEAD. Damn this blog and its power to stop people avoiding themselves

it's funny how...

pretty much all my happiness depends on a male. who probs doesn't even know i feel that way
>_o
is that normal?
actually. he probs does know as i'm very awkward and obvious and his eyes reek of 'i know what you're thinking'-NESS
uhhg i can't construct a proper sentennceeeeee

I'm almost stress free, besides the fact its 2am and my art is due in around 12 hours. and it's not done. no sleeping for me! but luckily i had bigbig cup of iced coffee... >_o x 2

anyways seeing as this blog is boring, i'll call it a night. or should i say morning
goodnigh-ning
or
goodmor-ght
whatever tickles your fancy

Do men like women who need to be saved?

I was chatting with my friend discussing what men can see in some women. Some girls are ridden with fluctuating emotions, crazy past experiences and an insane 'he's-got-a-restraining-order' boyfriends. My friend and I are two relatively grounded, secure, content, problem-free females (with no insane ex-boyfriends might I add). We can chat, have a laugh and be good friends with males. But does it just stop there? Does our first impression just slowly fade away? Are we lacking the contagiousness of damsel-in-distress-itis?

Damsel-in-distress-itis: Commonly known as Cinderlla-syndrome. When a female, suffering self-inflicted or other trauma, exudes an alluring waft, attracting heterosexual men who seem to have no other choice than to save them and conquer trauma. Damsels in distress (DID) can be found crying in stairwells, putting broken hearts in their display name or wandering the gutters with a broken high heel.

Do women have to be going through a bad break up, suffering from a broken friendship, depressed in some way, to attract men? I accept the fact people bond over deep and meaningful conversations, over late-night phone calls, over crying on shoulders, but does mean the plain, happy damsels (PHD's) miss out? Now back to personal experience, I've been a bad person. When I get mad, upset, stressed, suffer some sort of drama, I just feel the need to "accidentally" tell Mr X, which is what we shall call him. I just have this idea that if I open up, be vunerable, ask for advice, trust him with my emotions, that this will allure him, flatter him or somehow rub off on him. But I never have, because it's insincere on many levels and I'd be doing it for all the wrong reasons. Plus, my depressing moods never last long enough for me to cry to him anyway.
But is the waft of a DID insatiable? And do the PHD's get overpowered by the strong scent that seems to follow these females around?
But maybe it's something more general. Maybe, if a man can get a woman through saving her and making her happy, its like the relationship version of working for and earning your first $1000. Maybe the relationship just feels more special, knowing that the man has helped out a poor, delicate girl. Or maybe the PHD's give off a different waft; a waft that doesn't seem to need help... or a man. PHD's are repellents! Independent, self-assured women need lovin' too. I guess they just don't go crying about it to everyone.
During the conversation with my friend, I also brought up another point: 'I like to save men though'. And, after saying that, I've learnt so does my friend. It's always nice to save a guy. You feel useful, acknowledged, important. I want to be the girl that he opens up to, that he cries to, that he depends on and confides in. Maybe the PHD's have another purpose; to save the men who aren't too busy saving the DID's. DID's are used in questions, to signify uncertainty, the unknown, even allure and magnetism, but PHD's are there to save lives, no matter what. And, to quote countless TV doctors, "They don't call me a PHD for nothing".

Lessons in Self-defence

EMOTIONAL DISCLAIMER: I was pissed AT JUST ONE PERSON when I wrote this.

Why is it that when a friend says "I look disgusting today" do we all feel the need to coo soft words of comfort and confidence to make her feel better?
Or when a friend says "I did shit on a test" we all need to say 'Aw, nah honey! You probably did fine!"
Has our soceity become so delicate and sensitive that we can't say "You do look like shit" or "Well, you do suck at persuasive arguments"? In other words, have we become too sensitive to tell the truth? I've started to notice other people defend me from myself. If I say I look shit, I look shit. I'm not bothered by it; I'm merely making an observation. When I say "No, he wouldn't like me" it literally means "No, he wouldn't like me". But instead, people seem to think I'm seeking words of support and validation. I get treated like those chicks that are like "Oh I'm so ugly" because they want their friends to say "OMG NO YOU'RE NOT".
I don't need people to defend me from myself. I don't need kind words to make me 'feel better'.
With that said, I seriously do appreciate and admire the valiant efforts of friends to save me from myself. Maybe I am too harsh on myself. But others seem to be more hurt by opinion on myself than I am. Maybe they don't realise that I'm not seeking comfort, just an open ear to listen to me, and accept what I have to say. I always feel like an ungrateful bitch when I think these things, and explain my arguments. Because I don't need sympathy, because I'm fine.
Maybe I'm seen as a no-confidence, low-self-esteem teenager, just because I accept the truth about myself. Because, when I look shit in a photo, I say so; because I don't make excuses for doing a dodgy performance, or getting a crap mark.
It bothers me because I feel people are just lying to me, treating me like a delicate flower, and clinging to the tiniest of chances, just because they, somehow, think I can't handle the truth. I find that insulting in numerous ways. I feel insulted it when people say insincere things; I feel insulted when I'm percieved as something fragile, breakable, a 'damsel in distress'; and I'd be especially insulted if people didn't think I have enough sense-of-self and balls to accept the truth.
Me: 'Lols man I look crap there'
Person 1: 'Stop saying that. You're beautiful'
WHILE THAT'S LOVELY AND EVERYTHING, I can see what I look like. Don't patronise me.
So since I've thoroughly convinced you I'm an asshole, I can now tell you about the walking hypocrisy that is myself (Ah, did I almost trick my no-readers into saying 'aw no. you're not an asshole' even though this argument supports the fact I plainly am?)
When my friends are upset over things, I'm always willing to be a confidence booster. While people mercilessly slander themselves, I'm always willing to stop them. But when people are insincerely insulting themselves for scraps of sympathy and assurance, aside from the fact that's a confidence problem in itself, I'm rarely tempted to say anything.
I think it all comes back down to truth. If people are saying untrue things about themselves, then that's where I step in to right the wrongs; to truth the untruths.

assorted pastries?

I just feel like eating assorted pastries. and I'm also feeling the weird, big ass jumble of emotions againnn. And each assorted emotion signifies an assorted pastry. gah. I feel ALMOST stressed, but too calm for my liking. I'm getting increasingly slack and relaxed and UNBOVVAD, but I still get jittery and nervous during random conversations. I feel like I have nowhere to go, even though I have to decide in a few months. I feel so confidently smitten sometimes, but others times I just feel hopelessly pathetic. But I definately feel like I'm changing as a person. I think it's just what the final year of school does to you. It's like enocouraging you to break free and go be liiberratttedd.
I suppose it's all worth it. I'm into emotion. Makes for good inspiration. WHICH IS WORKING FOR ME, seeing as i've finally started my art major yayaya.
But yeah. I don't know whether I'm happy or if I'm sad. WAIT. I just had a revelation. I think I'm avoiding EVERYTHING, from assignments to emotion. I haven't had a good cry in ages, because I don't wanna think about all the stressful little nigglies in life. Or am I just making a problem for myself? Ugh i'll think about it later. AHH SEE. AVOIDANCE
Is this good for me? Should I go analyse my thoughts, like I used to, or is postponing the breakdown better for you?
*doesn't bother answering*
AH SEE

GARHG

Okay
so being a teenager, in grade 12, in a generation full of overly-thoughtful and emotionally-accident-prone people, you get a fair share of listening to and hearing about peoples problems and shit.
And right now, i just feel so bad for them all; so bad that i'm not gonna bother with proper grammar in this blog.
But it is unfair. It's unfair that numerous loving, kind, unique, somewhat shy individuals never get what they want, whether it be a boyfriend or a girlfriend or an invite to a party. It's unfair that, even if you try and be the best person you can be, you don't feel you're reaping the promised rewards. It's unfair, no matter hard you try, you just fail miserably for everyone to see. It's unfair that, the first time they open up and have a serious emotion, they get knocked back and told off. You get the idea...
but to all those people feeling disillusioned and feeling like they should just give up and not give a shit:
DON'T
okay. because there's nothing i admire more than someone who always does the right thing and doesn't just choose the easy way out. if anything, you know at least i'll think you're fabulous.

if i wanted i COULD throw myself on men, get drunk and get a cheap glimmer of affection and closeness and passion.
if i wanted i COULD try and suck up to teachers to get a better mark.
if i wanted i COULD just drop out and get a job as a truck driver.
if i wanted i COULD try and hang around the 'popular kids', so i would have more 'friends'

but i don't, because i have self-worth, a conscience, self-respect and a little, iron-hard resolve to not just settle for 'average'.
i'd rather have no boyfriend than lower myself to a disgusting level
i'd rather achieve my good marks, not schmooze my way through life
i'd rather finish grade 12, go to university and give myself a challenge than take the easy way out
i'd rather act like myself, not settle for mediocrity and befriend people who actually like ME, even to the point of being a complete loner.

With that said, i know too fucking well how hard it is to continue to think that. i look at these people, arrogant, bitchy, rude, thoughtless people. They get their man, they get a bunch of friends, they always have a good time, all the while being complete fuckfaces to anyone who isn't 'totz hot' and a 'mad cunt' and 'fukin maggot'. And all this happens while i sit, watching from the sidelines, trying to be a good person and choosing to use the power of conversation instead of letting my tits do the talking.
maybe people with even stronger beliefs than me will win the lotto in 10 years.
i hope it fuckign pays off though

EHhhh
do i sound like an asshole?
i'm an asshole

and my english draft is due tomorrow
if tits could come in handy in respects to assignments... *vaguely considers*
no i fully lie
=)

stay strong people!








on a lovely note, i'm also completely smitten. he's amazing and im dazzled
but i can get SHOOOK outta that mood quickfast
sigh




goodnight

I actually went through with my words...

I went out and enjoyed life!
Blogspot is magical. It's like 'Ask, and you shalt recieve!'. My friend had a house warming, so what's more alluring than a brand new, empty apartment, full of teenagers on Friday the 13th?
It's just so tempting. But I feel insanely guilty for dropping my friends camera. And now I wish I had enough money to pay for the repairs, or a new one. I'll have to borrow from the parents. And to clear the air, I feel bad for actually fucking up my friends camera, not because of the money factor. I guess thats my come-uppance for not working and mooching of my parents. BUT THAT WAS NOT MY OWN PERSONAL CHOICE. My parents won't let me work, see? I need to get a job!
On another note, I'm trying to use all my positive attributes to seduce someone. MUAHAHAH. But seeing as I'm awkward and pathetic, it evens out wonderfully. ;D
But, like every Friday night/Saturday morning, I have very vivid dreams. Probably because I finally get enough sleeping time to go into that DEEP SLEEP frame. This time my Dad was this sadistic torturer mind-conquering nutjob who owned a store that sold torture-goods and guns and shit. My mum was all meek and just lived with Dad murdering people, my brother got into believing what he did was okay, and I was the revolutionary who keep getting tortured and made to dispose of the bodies because I kept trying to escape, change my families' minds, and stand up to my Dad. And, like the other dream I mentioned in a previous blog, I woke up bawling my eyes out. BUT I NEED TO STRESS MY DAD IS, IN NO WAY, LIKE HIS DREAM COUNTERPART. He is an amazing daddy and I love him =).
Then I had a second dream about myself being forced into arranged marriage, because I was a Mormon or something. And there was many Mormon volleyball games?
At least that dream wasnt fucked up.

So I ended my last blog with little things that make me happy. I woke up this... afternoon, saw the Froot Loops and squealed in delight. I'm an easy-to-please kinda woman =D

Blarffugnal

I made up a new word JUST THEN ^^^ Don't you think it perfectly represents an angsty, love sick, stressed out, lost teenager? I like it =)
But whateverz. I'm happy. It's nearly the weekend and I've finished all assignments due in the next... couple of days. So no cause for celebration, I suppose. BLARFFUGNAL! I NEED TO START MY ART MAJOR.
I'm so tickled by that word.

Now to get down to the venting of emotion that blogspot lives on, this year is whizzing past. We have block in 2 weeks, which means term 1 is nearly over, which means we're already a quarter of the way through my final year of school =o
And we've gotten our Senior jerseys. Now when I see people with them on, I can barely recognise them because they look so adult-like. I dont feel like an adult! I feel exactly as I did in year 9.
Do things have to change one you leave school? Do people just naturally grow up, or is it forced up on them? I can still see myself laughing at the word 'come'. And to think in like 5 years time, I'll be in the work force. I'LL BE TENDING TO YOUR NEEDS. That freaks even me out.
BLARFFUGNAL Am I expected to NOT laugh at 'come'?!
Another thing that worries me is that adults ask each other out easily. I can't even act normal around people I find pretty. How the fuck will I survive? Is it normal to crush on people when you're 22?
I feel like I haven't lived for 16 years. 80% of people my age seem so much more experienced and grown-up. They do whatever they want, all in the name of fun. They've learnt lessons on things I just generally avoid, like drinking and forgetting what happened, or getting busted for sneaking out by their parents, or losing friends due to crazy, strange and random situations. I suppose it is worth it, in the end. There's nothing more valuable and interesting than life experience. But do I have to go through a bunch of shit to feel grown-up? Or is just living on the straight and narrow fine? It's that age old quote: Better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. Except we need to make it more y-generation-ey: 'Better to have drank and forgotten a good time, than to have never attended the party in the first place'
I have less than a year to clear the air with everyone (well I'm thinking of someone in particular) and stop being an emotion-coward. I have less than a year to grow some thick skin. I have less than a year to have a decent resume of life experiences that I've been too innocent, uptight, righteous, moral or bland to partake in.
I'm scared.


But, I'll look on the bright side. Something as trivial as a weekend makes me happy. So as long as I have a steady stream of weekends in years to come, I should fare alright =)

*growl*

I'm so fucking uninspired and disillusioned. I hate it. Especially when you're supposed to be doing like 4 persuasive ssays, and an effing Art major. I feel like I'm stuck in a complete rut. Nothing new is happening. I just want this year to be over so I can leave and be stranger in a new land. That sounds good. But argh, I'm mainly sick of myself. I wish I could find a way to entertain myself. This weekend I've just been like watching DVD's and cmnt-ing people. I wish I could stir something up and have some fun, or something. I guess I do need to take matter into my own hands. But I know I won't, seeing as I'm a coward =)
I keep having crazy dreams, when I feel wanted. Then I wake up bawling my eyes out.
The other night I dreamt my school was in anarchy; people were drinking and smoking and breaking things. And a particular person noticed me and held my hand. And it was lovely. Then the dream changed, and my baby in my dream died, and the only reason people gave a shit was because it made them lose their appetite. Hence, waking up shaking with tears.
Eh. I'm too disenchanted with life that I don't even want to figure out a possible metaphor for all of that.

Myspace is Blogspots' exiled, stupid cousin

Woah
Okay, if Dana's reading, she's gonna freak out. I'm using correct puncutation and spelling = o
minus that
but just for shits and giggles, I'm gonna name the major differences between blogspot and myspace:
- People are smarter on here
- People are funnier on here
- People are cooler on here
- People can spell
- People are seriously poetic and not being fake
- People have proper things to say
- People don't make grammar, spelling and punctuation mistakes
- People actually be themselves and share real emotion

NOW THATS OUT OF THE WAY I can stop pretending I'm intellectual. But I think I will stick with this 'correct puncutation fad'. Even though I'll be making mistakes. But it makes me look smarter ;D
I wont give up the smileys though.


I might as well add some delicious morsel of emotion on here, or else it'll be a waste of a blog INNIT.

I get frustrated not knowing what people are thinking. But then again, I'm sure I'll discard the frustration, and replace it with shame and sadness when I realise what the person is thinking is a BIG STEAMY MUG OF REJECTION. *cough* Did I just say rejection and narrow my vague statement down to a particular topic?
I make too many food/emotion analogies

I was talking to my friend, Jesse, and we were discussing Harry Potter (obviously). I think I said, kinda flippantly, "It'd be cool if Love Potion was real. There would be no worries then, right?" For those non-HP fans, if you drink Love Potion, you basically fall into deep 'obsession' with the person who gave it to you. I guess its not exactly love, as its manufactured, but eh, obsession = neediness and people like to be needed. Well, I do anyway.
Then I realised what I said, and I could think of nothing worse than tricking someone into loving you! How empty is that?! Then both of us came to the same conclusion at the same time.
"How about a potion that could make the person of your choice see you for who you are. They could see all the amazing points about you, then they would realise how great you are."
I think that would work so much better. Even if the person-of-my-choice decided, after using our potion prototype, that it still wouldn't work, I would feel some sort of closure and consolation. The thing about being rejected, or even not saying anything at all, is that you feel an almost regret; regret that you were never as sweet as you could be, or as nice as you could be, or as helpful as you could be.

But there's nothing else quite like being loved when the person hasn't even seen you at your best yet. If another person be captivated by you, and all you've done is be nervous and awkward, now thats something.
Love is a mystery, and I think I like it better that way.